The Mentor You Need Is (Likely) Already In Your Life.
When pastors tell me they're struggling to find a mentor, I ask what they’re looking for. And, usually, those conversations tend to go the same way:
- They've thought about a well-known leader they admire
- They're not sure if that person would respond
- They don't know how to frame the ask
- They haven't reached out yet, and honestly, they're not sure they will
Those pastors are looking in the wrong direction.
I have a handful of mentors in my life, all people who I deeply respect, who (over time) have made significant investments into my growth as a father, husband, leader, and pastor. Each of these people have dramatically impacted my life over the last decade and longer.
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My mentors don’t have large platforms. They are all busy. My relationships with each of them developed over a long time into what they are today.
That's not a coincidence.
Effective mentorship requires two things
After reflecting on the mentors who've shaped me most, I've found two ingredients that made the difference — and neither of them is credentials.
The first is relevant experience.
Someone whose experiences overlap with the challenges you're facing right now is very well positioned to give you actionable advice. A leader who planted a church in a college town has something particular to offer a more inexperienced pastor doing the same. A pastor who navigated a painful staff transition can speak to that situation in ways a general leadership book simply cannot.
The second is knowledge of you.
A mentor who doesn't know you – your specific tendencies, your leadership blind spots, the patterns in how you respond to pressure – has to spend most of your early conversations just getting oriented. But a mentor who's watched you lead?
They can skip right to the question you didn't know you needed to be asked.
That knowledge forms over time, through a growing relationship. There's no shortcut to it.
On Finding The Right Person
The best place to look for a mentor isn't “out there” somewhere. It's in your history. Make a list of the various leaders you've been close to.
- A pastor you served under
- A supervisor from your first ministry position
- A denominational leader who's taken an interest in you
- A peer who's a few years ahead of you
These are people who have some knowledge of you already – and some of them have experience that maps closely to where you are right now.
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Build a simple shortlist.
Start there, with someone who’s been where you're heading, and knows youWho do you already have some relationship with? Whose experience speaks to where you are right now? Write that name down.
The mentors who've shaped me most didn't become that in a single conversation, or even in six months. They had to watch me long enough to see the real patterns, not just the presenting problems.
That kind of knowledge often takes years to build.
The best time to start developing a mentorship relationship was ten years ago. The second best time is today.
Joshua Gordon
You can pay for coaching, and sometimes that's exactly what you need. But you can't pay someone to know you. That only comes from time spent growing a relationship.
Meaningful mentorship doesn't usually begin with a dramatic ask of a distant figure. It begins with an open conversation with someone who’s been where you are, and knows you.
On Initiating That Relationship.
My best advice? Do not ask someone to be a mentor to you out of the blue. That’s a bad idea, for a host of reasons.
A cold ask puts the other person on the spot. ‘Mentor’ is a loaded word and imposes huge expectations on them. Mentorship is time-consuming, and most often, you’ll get a ‘no’ in response.
Remember, the best mentorships grow out of a trusting relationship first.
Don’t put the pressure of mentorship on a new relationship. Rather, reach out with a simple, specific request:
“I'm navigating something in our church right now, and I think you've dealt with something similar. I'd love to grab coffee and hear how you handled it."
That's honest. It's specific. It respects their time. And it’s easy to say yes to! Best of all, it gives the relationship room to grow naturally towards mentorship, one good conversation at a time.
Send that email or make that call this week. Be patient. Grow that new relationship one conversation at a time.