Seven Books To Help Lead Sunday School (Without Shame-Based Tactics)
Sunday school teachers are some of the most devoted and generous people on the planet. They donate their time and energy to help young ones get to know their heavenly Father who loves them. According to Romans 12:2, every individual will change in either one of two ways in their life:
- We will either conform to the patterns of this world or...
- We will be transformed by the renewing of our minds
This is why a Sunday school teacher’s role is so critical! The care and attention they share with kids play a huge role in helping them be transformed, renew their minds, and live free of the shame-heavy operating system of the world.
So, how can we best equip our children's ministry leaders?
The answer? It depends on HOW we motivate our children to change.
- If we use the power of fear and shame to force behavioral change, we will help our kids conform to the patterns of our anxious, power-hungry culture.
- When we depend on the power of love and truth, we teach our children the way of Jesus (and transformation becomes inevitable!)
To that end, I've collected seven books that will reinforce Jesus-centered, shame-sober ways of living.
You can confidently read and recommend the books on this list to the Sunday school teachers in your care. These authors are trustworthy guides for any adult who is hungry to raise the next generation of shame-sober, fully alive children of God.
Seven Books All Children’s Pastors Should Read
1. The Soul of Shame - Retelling The Stories We Believe About Ourselves
by Curt Thompson, M.D.
Dr. Curt Thompson has written a masterful book that gently unblinds our minds to the destruction that unfolds in our own stories when fear convinces us to live dependent on the power of shame instead of the power of love and truth.
As adults who are passionate about helping children experience the freedom of new life in Christ, the book is a gift to us. It helps us break from the power of shame in our own stories so we won’t use it in the lives of those in our care.
This book helps us:
- Notice when love and shame are both competing for our attention.
- Open our eyes to the ways shame works against goodness and beauty in our world.
- Remind us we are created for joy.
- Recognize the power of living free from the burden of pretense because safe, joyful communities teach us to live as our true selves instead.
- Find the courage to move, speak, and demonstrate personal agency in the real world because we are no longer weak because of shame but strong because of love.
2. Woven - Nurturing A Faith Your Kid Doesn’t Have to Heal From
by Meredith Miller
Meredith Miller’s book provides research that clearly shows both the all-too-common motive of moralism in Christian parenting and children’s ministry and the devastating effects of holding onto that goal... it's the polar opposite of sunday school without shame.
A focus on behavior invites fear into our stories and, as Meredith Miller writes, “Fruit cannot grow in the soil of fear.” She invites us to consider a new question about the goal of Christian parenting (and children’s ministry):
What if it’s our job as parents to instead help our kids get to know God and discover that God can be trusted?
The book can help those who want to teach Sunday school without shame, focusing on key areas such as:
- Practical ways to do less on purpose.
- Discovering the power of God-centered storytelling.
- Untangling the story we tell children that they can control their happiness through their right behavior.
- Embracing the intention of building trust rather than reacting in fear.
- Committing to having faith conversations with kids that are smaller in content, shorter in length, and slower in frequency.
- Core issues of the artificial fruit of compliance instead of the genuine fruit of coming alive to the love of God and the chance to share that love with the world.
3. Graceful Parenting: Parenting from the Tree of Life
by Amy Hayes
This 176-page Christian parenting book is a good choice for Sunday school teachers and children’s ministry leaders who are struggling with letting go of the primary focus of teaching children to be good and not bad.
Amy Hayes uses Scripture and science to convince parents and teachers that behavior-focused teaching teaches a child to measure his worth and value on his ability to “be good” rather than on what God says is true about him.
She reminds us that shame-based tactics teach children that their bad behavior invalidates their true identity, which is not the Gospel. The good news of new life in Christ is a shame-free identity that informs our behavior, not the other way around.
This short book will be a gem in your journey as someone passionate about helping children live in freedom and truth. Among other things, Amy helps you to:
- Discover why identity is key in raising obedient children.
- Decide to see children the way God does–created in His image with infinite potential.
- Cooperate with God’s design for helping a child grow up to know and love God.
- Commit to putting the relationship before the behavior in every interaction with a child.
- Model living by faith and the power of the Spirit to help children avoid the bondage of life according to the flesh.
4. The Connected Life - The Art and Science of Relational Spirituality
by Dr. Todd Hall
Todd’s book helps us better understand ourselves and those we care about. He gently guides us to notice the ways shame has convinced us to hide, avoid, exaggerate, or minimize the painful realities in our stories. He reminds us that our connection to God frees us to live life with nothing hidden so we can heal and grow.
We can’t help children build a secure relationship with God until we let love transform our own ways of coping with shame into spiritual practices that transform our insecurities. The Connected Life reminds us:
- God’s love is the source of our love and the source of our transformation.
- Suffering is an invitation to look closely at our unhealthy beliefs, many of which we learned by listening to the voice of fear and shame.
- Our familiarity with shame's predictable power makes us feel safe because we’re in control at the moment, but we aren’t designed to depend on shame as the source of our strength.
- We attach to God with the same attachment tendencies we depend on with others, so our relationship with God is often experienced as anxious or avoidant rather than secure.
- God designed us to experience transformation and restoration so we can benefit from a secure attachment to Him and others.
Dr. Todd Hall also offers the Relational Spirituality Academy for pastors, teachers, spiritual directors, and anyone who is searching for a better way to mentor or coach others in a way that promises true transformation instead of the quick fixes offered by shame-based behavior modification.
As a young captain in the Army serving as Chief of the mental health clinic, he discovered that rank on your sleeve doesn’t earn the trust necessary to connect with others in need. He reminds us of the power of authentic relationships on the journey of deep change.
5. The Cure & Parents
by Bill & Grace Thrall, John & Stacey Lynch, and Bruce & Janet McNicol
These authors have been working to build grace-based (instead of shame-based) communities for decades, so they are trustworthy sources for helping Sunday school teachers build shame-free communities, too.
This book promises not to help parents and teachers get kids on board, fix their attitudes, and compel them to behave better. Instead, these 140 pages help us learn how to earn a child’s trust so we can have the privilege of giving them love, teaching them truth, and providing them guidance.
The Cure & Parents reminds us that:
- Love protects but doesn’t control.
- Behavior is not identity, and maturity and lasting behavior change do not happen by coercion or technique.
- The human heart needs much more and much less than a list of rules.
- Every encounter with a child is a chance to trade the relational life we’re create to enjoy for external fixes because we are afraid of not measuring up.
- Every child is unique on purpose, so we must lean in close enough to learn what traps our children in destructive patterns and what frees them to express their new hearts.
This quote is a powerful reminder of the privilege parents share with Sunday school teachers:
We get to give our kids the best of us–earning permission to influence them, mature them, know them, give guidance to them, protect them, love them, free them, and show them a magnificent God and an authentic life that will hold up for their entire lifetime.
The Cure and Parents, pg iv
The authors of this book are a vital part of Trueface, a ministry devoted to helping people encounter the peace and freedom of the original good news by trusting God and others with their whole selves.
6. Education By Design, Not Default - How Brave Love Creates Fearless Learning
by Janet Newberry
I spent my childhood as a preacher’s kid. Sunday school without shame? For me... not so much. I am all too familiar with the voice of shame and the power of fear to manipulate behavior at home and in the classroom.
Then I met the Jesus who loved me and began asking questions about offering children a different childhood.
- What if we’re created to grow up in transformational relationships instead of transactional ones?
- What if love is a more powerful fuel than fear?
- What if the traditions that shape education (and children’s ministry) are upside down because children are supposed to get because they need, instead of getting because they earn?
- What if struggle is a gift, by design–not default?
My audience is much broader than education and my book is one of only a few that gives practical next steps to guide parents and sunday school teachers who want to offer shame-sober experiences with children.
Some of these steps include:
- Keep relationships first
- Begin mature routines
- Do real work together
- Help children develop a broad range of leisure skills and interests
- Share the experience of great books
- Play games together
- Enjoy play and rest
- Be intentional about habit formation
- Build emotional fluency
- Develop affection for what God gives us to love
Download a free study guide for my book on John15Academy.com and explore additional free resources to help families reconnect when daily struggles cause relational challenges.
7. Living From The Heart Jesus Gave You
by James G. Friesen, E. James Wilder, Anne M. Bierling, Rick Koepcke, Maribeth Poole
As leaders, we need to understand how people are emotionally wounded and how they are healed. This book teaches pastors and teachers how both can happen in the body of Christ and offers a vision for effective church communities.
The maturity indicators chart alone is a valuable reason to dig in and learn how love, fear, joy, and shame help or hinder us on our journey from an infant to an elder. What a gift to recognize how we can help others mature, too - both children and adults.
For those wanting to lead sunday school without shame, the book focuses on key areas such as:
- What it takes to achieve wholeness in a chaotic culture
- The effects of trauma
- Why therapy is not enough
- How families and communities sometimes cause more harm than good
- The power of joy
- How to get unstuck in your own maturity process
- The blessing of finding the characteristics of your true heart
- How to help others make this discovery, too
A Few Final Thoughts
When we lead Sunday School without shame-based tactics, we create environments where children feel safe, valued, and open to transformation. This type of environment encourages genuine spiritual growth and deeper relationships with God and one another.
By fostering a shame-free culture, we are better positioned to build a community aligned with the Great Commission: marked by grace, authenticity, and trust—qualities that strengthen our entire church. When we guide our children with love, truth, and faith rather than fear and shame, we help them develop a resilient, lifelong faith that stands firm against worldly pressures.
John 15 Academy is a destination packed with resources to help lead without resorting to shame-based tactics. There, you’ll find tools and guidance that support a transformative, grace-filled approach to ministry.
“Father God, We are all your children. Thank you for loving us well. Your constant reminders to “Fear not” remind us to lean in and not away from you and from each other. Give us the faith to receive your love and truth so we can love one another well–especially the children in our care. Amen”
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