Pastoral Insights: What Not To Say In A Crisis
After my father died following a long, hard year of palliative care, a pastor approached my daughter one Sunday. She sat alone and quietly gathered her thoughts, reflecting on the passing of her grandfather.
This pastor, seemingly oblivious to the fact she’d chosen a place far away from everyone else, approached her. Determined to do his duty and offer comfort, he said, "I know you are feeling really sad."
When she did not reply, he proceeded to share his impressions of my father (despite never having more than a sixty-second conversation with the man). He offered a few clichés and empathetic soundbites before touching her shoulder.
She cringed reflexively and kept silent. After a few moments, he walked away with some remark about keeping her in his prayers.
Without realizing it, this pastor’s (well-intentioned) insensitivity made a difficult situation worse. Why?
This pastor tried to be a preacher rather than a listener.
This pastor meant well, but he was completely unaware of the complex, difficult dynamics of my father’s life. He wasn’t aware of my father’s complicated relationship with my family and my daughter.
He fumbled the moment in several key ways:
- He approached my daughter by telling her what she felt rather than inviting her to share.
- He offered shallow comments rather than acknowledging the complexity of her pain.
- He even touched her without seeking permission.
Grief and trauma affect people in different ways, and the pastor who applies a "one size fits all" approach to compassion is bound to complicate matters before long.
Scott Heine
People may feel sadness, anger, regret, shame, bitterness, fear, or even relief. Others may suppress their emotions through denial or distraction because their psyche innately knows they are not prepared or available to process what they've gone through yet. And there are those who quietly and independently seek the comfort of Christ or strive to shift their focus from sorrow to praise.
In a crisis, our words carry immense weight.
When offered by a pastor, whether intended or not, our words are often perceived as a reflection of God's heart toward people's suffering.
Here are five significant statements that should be avoided.
1. "I Know How You Feel."
No, you don't.
Even if you have been through similar circumstances, traumatic experiences and losses are always complex. There are nuances of relationships and perceptions that are surfacing in unexpected ways, and emotions often shift quickly through a cascade of feelings that sometimes overlap and contradict each other.
- That wife may be afraid of losing her husband to cancer, but she might also be reflecting on her mother's battle years ago.
- She might be quietly rejoicing for the many great years she and her husband have already enjoyed… or she may be regretting not saying "I love you" more often.
- Maybe she’s grasping for the peace of knowing that God will continue to care for her when her husband passes.
- Perhaps she’s angry at God for not answering her desperate prayers for healing.
Instead of presuming you know how someone feels, respect their autonomy.
Invite them to share their thoughts: "Would you like to talk about it?" or "I'm available to hear what you're feeling and thinking."
Set aside the inclination to offer wisdom and just listen. Create a safe space for others to become vulnerable. And if they're not sure what to say, that's okay. Simply respond, "It sounds very confusing right now. But I'm here to listen as you sort through your feelings now and in the days ahead."
2. "God Has a Plan for You."
Well, of course God has a plan. He is omnipotent and omniscient. He cares about the smallest sparrow that falls from the sky (Matthew 10:30).
There may be moments of crisis when it's appropriate to remind someone of these precious truths. But, often, trauma and loss provoke difficult questions that deserve time to ponder without resorting to platitudes. Keep in mind Job's distress, and remember the thirty-five chapters of debate about God's intent amidst sorrow before God declared he is not obligated to explain his plan to anyone!
Sympathize with the difficult questions.
Although you may be tempted to quote Romans 8:28 to someone in hopes of providing comfort, it's often far better to sympathize with the difficult questions in the moment. You might say, "What you're going through now is intense. And you're not the first person to ask God 'why.' Maybe you and I can ask those questions of God together, and then we'll watch to see what he does next."
Someday, when the pain has eased and perspective is more clear, your reminder of God’s goodness and God’s plan will be more welcome.
3. "If There's Anything You Need, Let Me Know."
When someone is in a crisis, they experience many social, psychological, and physical needs. They may be aware of some of these, but often they are too distracted by the circumstance to recognize what would be helpful.
Many of us want to offer help, but we are unsure of what's appropriate or welcome. We want to make ourselves available, but then we burden the suffering person with identifying their needs, contacting us, and asking for help.
Just help.
It's better to simply say, "I'm bringing dinner over on Thursday night. Would you prefer lasagna or pot roast?" (And then be sure the containers can be left or discarded; don't create a task of cleaning dishes or returning them!)
Or perhaps, "I'm available to help with childcare while you deal with the situation. I can come by any time after 5 o'clock. I'll bring activities for the kids, or I can take them out for dinner to give you a break. Whatever would be helpful."
Or just show up on Saturday morning and mow their lawn for them.
The practical gestures provided (without being requested) will demonstrate care beyond mere words.
4. "The Same Thing Happened to Me."
When you hit your thumb with a hammer, your entire world becomes the size of your thumb. All your attention is drawn to the pain you're experiencing. You suddenly have a single agenda: make the pain stop. You're in no position to care for the pain of others.
Similarly, when people encounter crises, their world becomes smaller.
The heartache or fear they feel reduces their perspective. They're unprepared to listen to your story or care about your experience. Your efforts to normalize their crisis and build empathy may become patronizing of their unique pain.
It's better to say, "I'm here for you. You're not alone."
If you have some insight from your own experience that might be useful, ask permission before sharing: "Would it be helpful to hear something I learned in a similar situation?" Then keep your comments concise and focused on the other person rather than telling your tale.
5. "Get Over It."
Some pastors are uncomfortable sharing the pain of others, and they unintentionally communicate that dealing with crises is an inconvenience. They offer a gentle hug, pat the suffering person on the back, and say, "There, there" as if to put an end to the tears. "Don't cry. Buck up. Lift up your chin. Have faith. Rejoice in every circumstance… even this one."
However, attempting to short-circuit an emotional response to trauma can be very damaging.
If you're going to be a caregiver, offer authentic, patient compassion rather than an incentive to hurry up and return to normal. Remember that God brings about the most dramatic transformation in our lives during times of challenge and brokenness.
Similarly, never abandon the person in crisis once you've engaged with them. They might be initially surrounded by caring family and friends, but their pain will persist after everyone else returns to their routines. Reaching out during important milestones, holidays, anniversaries, and other triggers can have a huge, comforting impact.
Saying "I'm thinking of you today" will remind them that they're not alone.
A Final Thought And Additional Resources
Remember that offering compassionate care in a crisis isn't about having all the answers. It's about being present, listening carefully, and genuinely caring without rushing toward a solution. And be kind to yourself along the way. Offering compassion can be an emotionally draining task.
You represent God, but you are not God.
You might ease the suffering with your lovingkindness, but you cannot shortcut your way through whatever experience God has in store through the crisis. More than anything, never underestimate the power of humble empathy and a listening ear.
Feeling overwhelmed? Remember: while communicating with a person in crisis can be daunting, seek to listen more than you speak. And don’t hesitate to look for help (there are some great resources online covering the do’s and do n’ts of supporting someone in a mental health crisis).
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