When to Eat Crow (& When Not To)
Own clear mistakes quickly: If you missed something, said something poorly, or made the wrong call, apologize without making excuses.
Don't apologize for things that aren't yours to fix: Not every accusation means you've done something wrong.
Trust healthy leadership relationships: Unified elders and leadership can provide perspective and protection when criticism circulates.
Do the next faithful thing: You don't have to defend yourself against every accusation. Sometimes the wisest response is to keep serving faithfully and trust God with your reputation.
She confronted Pastor John Bennet at the church doors, in full view of the congregation. She was angry and grieving the death of a family member. Unaware of this, John had stood up that Sunday morning to request prayers for another grieving family he had been supporting... and did not mention this other woman's family.
She demanded to know why he had ignored her family. She said she'd emailed him about it. Later, John went and checked his inbox. Sure enough, there it was. He'd missed it.
Pastors eat crow more than most professions.
The ones who do it well apologize fast and skip the defence. In John's case, he met with the grieving woman and the family. He apologized in person. He didn't attempt to deflect or explain the volume of his inbox. He didn't remind them that it wasn't realistic to catch every detail of every person's life.
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John told me this story almost in passing, one example in a longer conversation about pastoral life. It's a small, ordinary kind of failure.
Sometimes, you just gotta eat crow.
Pastor John Bennet
But sometimes, you as a pastor find yourself in the crosshairs of an accusation that is not true.
In The Crosshairs of Someone With an Axe to Grind
This is playing out right now at a church I know well. The pastors had been walking faithfully for several years with one of their members, a deeply wounded man. The counselling process hit a wall, though when the man refused to forgive, insisting on holding on to his bitterness.
"I know it's wrong, but there's grace for that," he'd say.
The pastors implored him to give his hurt to Jesus and experience the freedom that comes from forgiveness, but still he refused. Finally, the pastoral team told him: until he was ready to forgive, they couldn't help him further - but when he was ready, they'd be there. Furious, the man left the church
Several months later, the pastor discovered this man had been badmouthing the leadership team and the elders to anyone at the church who would listen.
For the pastors in the crosshairs without cause, there is no crow to eat.
So what do you do?
You can't go door to door correcting the record. You can't call a meeting to defend your reputation. The instinct to do that, to protect what you've built and make sure people know your side, is understandable. It rarely helps.
Practical Steps to Take
Prioritize unity at your leadership level. When you and your senior leaders are on the same page, the church is much less susceptible to baseless accusations.
At my friend's church, the pastoral team made a list of all of the church leaders they knew the man had talked to. In pairs, they approached each leader saying,
"We are aware Person X has approached you and made accusations against us. We also want you to know there are two sides to every story. In the name of unity, and since you are a leader at our church, we'd like you to know what's truly going on."
Eat crow if you dropped the ball. In those cases, apologize in person if you can; don't pad teh apology with explanations. You can't be responsible for everything, but when you miss something, own it.
Don't make decisions based on self-protection. If you must act in defense, let it be in defense of the people Jesus has trusted to your care. Keep ministering sincerely to the people in front of you, and it won't take long before the accusers move on to a new fight.
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Remember: This is God's Church.
If it were YOURS, you'd need to manage every perception, respond to every accusation, defend every decision. It isn't. The same God who built that church can handle the reputation of the people leading it.
The Question to Ask Yourself
Did I actually drop the ball here?
- If yes: eat crow. Don't wait.
- If no: it's probably not yours to fix.
Like a sparrow in its flitting, like a swallow in its flying, a curse that is causeless does not alight.
Proverbs 26:2 (ESV)
